In My Weakness...

Lately, I seem to have heard or read about how God "doesn't call the equipped...He equips the called". For that, I am thankful. You see, at times, I feel like God was looking down on me and was like, " Wow. Look at her. She thinks she has it all under control with that one kid, husband and a job. Her faith is small and, honestly, she is downright weak." I know that God doesn't, necessarily, think like this. He loves us despite all those annoying quirks and our faithlessness. In my mind though....this is where he was like, "Yeah, I am gonna drop a couple more boys in on her. That should be exactly what breaks that camel's back". Sooo....3 boys, 17 months apart...here I am. Still standing. Barely.

I will never forget the day my doctor said (more like studdered), "It's two." I laughed on and off for days. Of course, it was mixed with crying. First, Jake, who was 10 months old, hadn't been sleeping through the night for too entirely long. Not to mention, I felt like he was finally a happy baby. Honestly,  I did not want to be pregnant again. I had just lost the 65 lbs I had gained during that pregnancy. I knew I would need to quit my job, get a minivan and be doubly pregnant with a baby that wasn't even walking yet. You're probably thinking that most women would be so happy about this situation. Got ya, but there is one thing you should know...I am not most women.

The shock took a while to wear off (probably the day they were born is when denial ended). My emotions were all of the map during my pregnancy. I just could not wrap my head around the logistics of going places with 3 kids that needed to be placed in their carseats and strollers. Jake wouldn't be 18 months so he wouldn't be able to walk beside me (and be trusted). As you can see, the control freak in me was losing control. <insert God>

The babies came. The chaos began. When I think back to the first few months, I do not remember much. Except for the times that my mom and Joe took a night shift (and several amazing friends and family), I would run on less than an hour of sleep most nights (and so did my mom). The babies rarely slept and cried for what seemed like days straight. Jake would cry and cover his ears. I would cry for Jake, for the babies, for Joe and for myself. However, this go 'round was different. I remember praying that God would heal the babies (digestion/reflux), but that he would make us stronger. We didn't need the storm to, necessarily, hurry through but just give us the strength to get through it. To grow us in HIM. He did. I would listen to the Mandisa song, 'Stronger' often. The words that I would sing over and over were...."when the waves are taking you under hold on just a little bit longer. He knows this is gonna make you stronger."

Up until a few months ago, I would say were just surviving. Things seemed to get easier each month, but me breaking my wrist and being in a cast for a month was a little setback. Not my best move as a mother to 3 under 2. Again, we survived it. We are marching into our season of thriving as the babies approach one in a few short weeks. Things are anything but easy, BUT I believe that's been God's plan all along. If it's easy, I would be working on my own strength. Now, I am in a place where if it's not HIM, it's not happening. When my feet hit the floor each morning he knows the exact amount of energy I need for that day and I BELIEVE he will give it to me.

I am thankful for a God that knows my weaknesses and chooses to show HIS STRENGTH in them. He is my Provider. He is my Comforter. He is my Shield. He is my Fortress. He is my EVERYTHING.

If you are feeling like you can't go on....like you cant put one foot in front of the other....I understand. I have been there (and some days I am still there). The thing is...you can. Not on your own strenth, but in His. He created this world. He created you. He knows exactly what you need so rely on his knowledge, strength and power.

I'll leave you with these words from a favorite worship song of mine (You Never Let Go by Matt Redman):

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You,
still I will praise You
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me


Just hang on. Trust. Rest in HIS awesomess (I am certain that is scriptural). ;)